::Fairy On The Moon::

i dun wan a fren to go shopping with
i dun wan a fren to talk to,
i dun wan a fren to drink with,
i dun wan a fren to jus be one in name,
i dun wan a fren to merely watch movies with
i dun wan a fren to joke with

but all i want is a fren.
just a true fren.
thats all i wan.
a true fren

above all, i dun wan a fren who just asks me "how are you" merely out of politeness when in actual fact he or she dosent really give a damnn how i am at all. In tt case, i rather he or her not say it at all. Jus dun say a thing.

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/24/2003

i fell intro a drain todae
WHich dosent particularly surprise me since things like tt always happen to me. And i sprained my ankle and blood was dripping from my knee. It was so painful that i could not even get up ..so i was sitting by the pavement, face obviously contorted with pain, and books all scattered around me ( i tripped, fell and books went flying..make sense?) I was baking in the cruel hot sun, and not one person...not ONE even bothered to come to my assistance. There were so many people who saw me fall and saw me in obvious pain, struggling to get up but not one bothered to even help. And why am i even surprised. this is so typically singaporean. If within this week , i am able to find one kind person left over here, i swear i will be etenally grateful to the person, and ill do jus abt anything tt person asks me to do . but that is IF. Just IF.
Anywae it wasnt the fact tt nobody helped me tt bothered me ( after all sooner or later i will have to stand on my own) but it was the whole attiutude. The " its not my problem so i dun giva damn attitude" it was the whole selfish kiasee attitude tt particularly made me sad. Not angry, but just very very sad. But i guess i am, in no position to say anything myself. what if i should meet something similar and react the same way? sighz..

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/24/2003

Thursday, May 15, 2003

A voice softly whispers "Can i talk to you?"

And echoes.. " How are you"

And in the end, that is all conversation has been reduced to.
In the end it is reduced to nothing nothing nothing.

COz in the end, there is indeed nothing, nothing, nothing left to be said. Nothing
Maybe one or two sentences?
but all these words are empty, like shells without a soul.

and all we are left with is nothing.

silence.

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/15/2003

Tuesday, May 13, 2003

i jus had one of the best tasting ice cream in my entire life today!! yum..its been a long time since i have appreciated the simple pleasures in my life..
from now on im gonna get all my ice cream from there.. ( its almost like haagen daaz..as good as haagen daaz..but i still like haagen daaz alot..and NYDC is a no no no for me..)

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/13/2003

i realised that the thing that keeps holding me back most of the time is the fact that i keep holding on
i think i am a person who finds it damnn hard to let go of things..from mere objects like an old pen that dosent work anymore, a pair of too-small jeans, and even human relationships, i find it very hard to let go of ANYTHING..

which is why i always can't seem to move on. Coz i keep clinging on. Keep Holding on to the past. Refusing to let go, refusing to move on

Which is why i have made a new promise to myself. And that is i will never again ever become too dependent on anything or become too attached to anything. The key is detachment. To simply detach myself and not let myself get too involved, too attached. Which is hard for me considering how emotional i am...and even though i make this promise to myself i know its gona be quite impossible to keep, coz at the end of the day, when my emotions get involved, i start to get too attached again...going too deep in. I am someone who thinks with my heart, and not my mind. Heart over mind. Yes. ,maybe very passionate, very full of feeling, very sensitive, yes maybe very emotional..but all these are not good things when in excess. And that happens when u think with ur heart ALL the time, and no even listening once to ur head.

i pray that somehow one day i will learn the art of detachment. Then somehow seperation, somehow changes will not seem to painful anymore.I can move on in life without constantly feeling that prick when i think of the past, without feeling regret, without feeling the sorrow of loss. Then can i be free. At last.

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/13/2003

Sunday, May 11, 2003

i CAN"T STAND JASON
I CAN"T STAND JASON
I CAN"T STAND JASON
I CANT STAND....

i have finally found Syed bin laden's alter ego ( no its not saddamm hussein or Hitler..nor satan..its even worse then than!)----introducing da one and only Jason Yam, from Tien Yuan kitchen! woo Hoo~~
HE IS WASTING my time, wasting my money, wasting ...i mean he keeps sending me home early. asks me to work on hour then ask me to punch out. he is totally wasting my time lor. He keeps abusing his staff and keeps giving my sh*t lor
todae was such a strange dae. EVerything happened so fast im also qutie blur lor..its like jus wen i came back from the toilet, jason told charles to ask me to punch out and go home, and i was like HUH? but jason was not around. ..so i cldnt ask him what the hell was going on. Then, jus at that moment, this group of customers came in, and i was thinking whether i should greet them or let them go. Half of me was like thinking, since jason asked me to punch out, wad the hell lor, just go home and ignore customers, wad for bring business to him. Then the other side of me was like, since im here, just be a nice person and greet them, sell the menu and show them in. So thats wad i did. the better side of me took over. And i chatted with the customers. It turned out tt they were very frendly, and they told me tt they liked my service.after i showed them to their seats, they even asked for my name. Then at tt moment, jason came and told me to leave. i tried to explain to him the situation but he yelled at me and said he wld not take any of this crap, and i cannot argue with him and tt his word is final. I hate the way he keeps telling at me for no reason, and expecting me to accept that lor. Plus the fact, i mean u send me home, its fine. AT least listen to me first right? if u find my explanation inconclusive, then send me off la..but u dun even wanna listen to me. Who the hell does he tink he is la. ( ok..so he is my boss after all..) the worst is he accuses me of doing something i did not do. he told me if i wanna go toilet i have to at least let somebody guard the door first. But i tried to tell him tt i told the supervisor tt i was going to the toilet and to guard the door, but he refused to even listen lor... i hate being accused of something i did not do lor. it makes me mad. u dun noe how boiling mad i was just now! i was jus so so so angry!

So i walked out , to give myself time to cool down. i was already in tears at that time. And then after sitting by the water front, giving myself time to cool down, i rem that i had to go grab my bag, and punch out, so i returned, then i rem the nice customers whom ihad a chat with, so i went over to their table to say good bye. then, they asked why i was leaving, so somehow the story jus came out, and to my horror, i started crying in front of them ( i tink jason saw but who cares?) they were very nice and sympathetic and offered my help. i did not understand what kind of help they were tokking abt, so i jus accepted this guy's number. they told me get changed and then come back and join them so we could talk. then on my way out of the changing room, i met samuel from thai express, so we started talking for a while..then by the time i got back, the customers had already gone. Wondering where they were, i called the guy's handphone, and it turned out tt they just left, they returned to find me and we went to sit at thai express to talk. I found out tt they were professional trainers, and one of them was one of those big shots at the swissotel the stamford ( my old work place) AFter chatting for an hour plus, my story came out and they were so indignant abt how staff were being treated by jason. Somehow, chatting with them helped to calm my nerves, and at least help me think properly again. They said if i ever needed help finding a job again, i could look for them.... everything happened so fast lor..and i dunno what to make of it. one moment, im aksed to go home, next i meet this bunch of strangers and end up pouring out all my greivances to them

i think that the strangest things happen to me.
and those customers said im really good at one i do, i am articulate,. and i am eloquent. And i have finally decided wad i might possibly wanna be wen i grow up. I wanna be a CEO of one of those high ranking hotels. Hahha...pple like jason would be licking my PRADA boots to do business with me. okok..i noe im thinking too far ahead and this is getting out of hand..ill jus end of here for tonight. I think the reason why i am such a drama person is becoz my life is damnn drama. Or could it be that the reason why my life is so drama becoz i am a dramama?? hmm..

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh
im still figuring that MAYBE..jus MAYBE..God wants me to meet the bad pple now so ill appreciate the good ones later..

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/11/2003

Thursday, May 08, 2003

..you wouldn't understand it even if i put it to u in the simplest words.

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/08/2003

What can you do when lonliness crashes over you like a tidal wave,
what can you do when fear crawls over you, dragging you out to sea,
what can u do when emotions inundate ur soul..washing u out so far..
what can u do when ur tears are turning your insides into rust?

..nothing....
because when emotions flood inside of you, its not a physical drowning..its an internal drowning..
It feels like i am drowning..but not yet dying...

..not yet..

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/08/2003

Friday, May 02, 2003

i felt very confused when we talked on the phone last night. i just dunno how to react or anything. Its just that i can't make myself like you the way u like me, do u understand? i dun think we can ever be anything more then friends. i felt very sad when u told me u never get what u want in life. but i really can't help u, try as i may i only see u as purely a frend and nothing more. i think u made a mistake by liking me. its true. why me? i dun understand. I can't make u happy anyway coz i dun see u as anything else other then a fren, or as a brother at the most. i guess we r both alike, admiring from afar but never managing to get close to what we want. Its sad but what to do? thats life, we can't do anything to change it. i can't force someone to like me, the way i can't force myself to like u. i dun wanna hurt u but i really dunno what to do.

i dunno why im always doing this. im always addressing a certain person here even though i know all those pple who i refer these messages to will never read this..haiz..i guess i just need some place to get all my thoughts out.

i think i have quite a high tolerance level. Jason ( the boss from hell, second to syed bin laden) jus irritates me so much i feel like punching him. ( i ALWAYS FEEL LIKE PUNCHING HIM) fortunately, im not the only one who feels this way. so do my collegues who call him the "wang ba dan". he keeps crapping abt how i shld always learn from him, how he has 18 years of experience in the f and b line, ill learn every single thing there is to learn from him, and its a whole lot of horse shit lor. hello...the onli thing ive learnt this month or have been doing for each and everyday is repeating this line 200 times a day at least " hi mam, hi sir would u like to have a look at our menu?" how dumb is that? anywae Aneil was right. if jason ever works in a hotel, he is so dead. Anywae he has such a slimy and sinister grin that i think the potential customers r all scared off by him. i mean syed bin laden may have been hell but at least on the surface he looks good, and he is very smooth. jason on the other hand, is fat, has a pot belly ( probabaly has never seen his own toes..he can't!) and he has this super pock marked face that is soooooo oily, it would make a 'kwali " looks good. Come on lor...he looks like he deliberately smeared his face with coconut oil or something lor. its so oily i doubt even a whole packet of oil blotters ( super large) wld be enuff to soak up all the oil in that one small portion of his face. Some customers actually consider eating but after he suddenly appears doing his "lai lai lai" thing and that disgusting " hi i am like so fake" smile on his face customers just run. i swear. he was sooo desperate for customers today he actually follwoed them all the way next door to shima and continued begging them until they relented. it was probabaly a last resort to get him to shut up i guess...( my sympathies r with the customers)

anywae he is always super paranoid and has a tendency to scold pple and yell at pple for no rhyme of reason and jump to all sorts of conclusions. He needs to check himself into a psychiatric ward i swear. and when we do something right..he takes a the credit, and wen something goes wrong we get all the blame. goodness. ANd he always tries to play the hero. ANd there was this time the customers actually commented ab me, they pointed to me n said i was very good, and his response was like " oh...issit?" HE COULD AT LEAST HAVE SOME BLOODY HELL confidence in his staff lor. Why dosent he just sack me la..coz he knows im indispensable to him coz im the only one around with decent english so thus im able to be a competent door host. And he is afraid to admit it. TOo bad i know i make a good dorr host coz customers tell me so. if i quit or something its his loss. there were so many times i felt like yelling at him and telling him i quit..i quit..but i just refrained. Anywae yesterdae wen i was answering a customers queries i kena scolded by him coz he tot i was listening to music at embassy? heLLLoOO?? thats like how way off lor? that How paranoid he can get lor. Everytime i see him i always get such a bad feeling lor. i think joshua is right. Its called conditioning. since i know every single word that comes out from his mouth is negative, thats why i always tense up around him coz i associate his face with negativity. so right i am. And he is really another hire and fire like syed type..man...why do i keep meeting crappy bosses????! I hate the way he abuses me and continues to do so since i always tahan him. WHo the hell does he think he is man. if not for all the staff his restaurant wld have closed down long ago lor. Plus he never ever does closing at all lor. he always just throws the keys at poor charles and expects him to lock uo and close the whole place. i think once charles quits he is like so dead lor. sighz thats how responsible he is la.

ok anywae..thats enuff venting for one night...more to come..stay tuned...

i have a feeling i like tormenting myself..

dawn fairy on the moon at 5/02/2003